By: Janae McClure

She was a dearly loved friend and I never saw it coming. She was also a sister in Christ…making it even more difficult to swallow. She refused to talk about it or to work it out, doing her damage and then pretending to act as if nothing ever happened. Each interaction seemed to fuel further hurt, anger, and resentment within me. The more I mulled over the situation, the more the negative feelings grew. Tears spilled forth with a bitter burn that seemed to only add insult to injury.

She REALLY hurt me.
I had been working diligently on forgiveness since it happened, researching and praying about it faithfully. I knew the importance and power in it. I knew what I was commanded to do by my Savior, whether I wanted to or not, or whether she deserved it. I knew the implications, “But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”-Matthew 6:15. So, what was the problem? Why couldn’t I seem to move on?
One evening, I escaped to the shower to find solace and a private place to vent. As the water flowed, I let the grief overtake me. I wondered if I would ever be able to forgive and make peace with her. Water and tears converged until I felt I was drowning in my own despair. I beat my chest, pleading with myself, “Stop it! Just stop it!” I did the only thing I knew to do in that moment, I reached out and called on my Father in Heaven, “Oh, God, help me. I cannot do this alone. Please, Abba, help me forgive her. I do not know what I am doing. God, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING”!
Images of my Savior hanging on a cross filled my mind’s eye: bloodied, battered, and betrayed. He hung there, pure innocence, with criminals on either side, and He did it by choice. He did it to forgive our sins and because He loved us. Held there by that love, THE embodiment of grace, dying a brutal and scandalous death, He uttered, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).
They do not know what they are doing…I do not know what I am doing. The words penetrated deeply, as the Spirit convicted me. Suddenly, I changed from Saul to Paul as the scales fell from my eyes and I understood (through His good grace) just what I was doing (Acts 9:18). I was clinging tightly to the resentment of my friend’s offense because I felt the need for self-justification (a product of pride). My beautiful Savior died for forgiveness and I was essentially negating His precious gift, God’s sacrifice, by NOT letting go of resentment and forgiving this friend (Gal 2:20-21).
My shower prayer turned into repentance as I confessed to the Lord how willfully I had been holding on to bitterness. I crumbled before Him, asking for forgiveness and mercy, and then humbled, I pleaded for His help. Faithfully, He met me in that place, much like my parents before me, naked and ashamed (Genesis 3:7). He compassionately embraced my sin, carrying it for me, while simultaneously comforting the sinner. His gracious peace washed over me like His precious blood and I knew true forgiveness had been accomplished. Sometimes, a bad hurt requires the supernatural love and grace of Jesus to be forgiven. Through the Holy Spirit living within us, we have direct access to that kind of love and grace, and we have the ability to achieve what seems impossible, with Christ (Phil 4:13)!